Anonymous question:
“I’m struggling with a lack of intimacy with my wife. We have a pretty large age gap, and I can’t help but think she just doesn’t desire me anymore.
We have scheduled sex once a week, but I don’t think she’s really into it, which is tough to work through.
Sometimes we don’t even follow through on our scheduled time.
She spends a lot of time on TikTok before bed, which makes me feel like that’s more of a priority than being intimate with me. We have three young kids, so I know that’s a factor too.
We’ve been together for over 10 years, and I still want her every day, but it’s not reciprocal.
I don’t really know what to do—I still have needs as a man that she’s not meeting. Can you share your thoughts and give some advice on what I should do?”
Dear Conflicted Husband,
I hear versions of your story all the time from straight married men. You desire your wife deeply, but she doesn’t seem to want you back. The scheduled sex feels more like a chore than an act of intimacy. And to top it off, she’s scrolling TikTok at night instead of reaching for you.
This is frustrating, I get it. But let’s talk about what’s really happening here—because I promise you, this isn’t just about sex.
Sexual disconnection isn’t random; it’s almost always a symptom of something deeper happening in the relationship. And in long-term relationships, especially those with young kids, that “something deeper” is often exhaustion and resentment—two of the biggest libido killers.
With three kids and a household to manage, I’d bet that your wife’s mental load is enormous. Women in heterosexual marriages still take on the majority of invisible labor—childcare coordination, emotional regulation, housework planning—whether they work outside the home or not.
And here’s the hard truth: when a woman is overwhelmed and stretched thin, her brain isn’t prioritizing sex. Her brain is prioritizing survival.
So when you see her on TikTok at night, it’s not about choosing social media over you. It’s her way of reclaiming a moment of autonomy—the only time of the day that’s hers alone.
I love the idea of scheduling sex when it’s done intentionally. But what I see happening in many marriages (and I suspect in yours) is that it becomes an obligation rather than an invitation. And here’s the thing: she doesn’t owe you sex.
I know you said you still have needs as a man, and I want to validate that—you absolutely do. But if there’s any sense of entitlement around sex, even subtle (“I desire her every day, why doesn’t she want me back?”), it creates pressure. And pressure destroys desire. If she feels like sex is another task she has to perform, she’s going to check out emotionally. Which makes it even harder for her to want it.
And let’s talk about another possibility: if she’s not enjoying the sex you’re having, why would she crave it at all?
Because I guarantee this: the problem isn’t just that she doesn’t want sex.
The problem is that she doesn’t want the sex you’re currently having, under the conditions you’re currently having it.
And that? That can be fixed.
Every week sexologist Natassia Miller offers tips, strategies and resources to improve your sex life and relationship.
Every week sexologist Natassia Miller answers anonymous questions and offers advice to improve your sex life and relationship.
