Is Dryness the Problem—Or Is It Something Deeper?

Anonymous question:

"I am a 42-year-old wife, mother of two teenage kids. Just recently, when my husband and I tried to have sex, he told me my cunt—his words, not mine—is too dry. Yet, when I finger myself, it seems perfectly okay to me. Do you think my husband has gone off me sexually? I have always enjoyed our intimacy and am too young to call it a day. I have tried talking to him, but he just shrugs and turns away. Is there anything we can do to get back on track? Thanks, any advice would be gratefully received."

‍Dear Lubricated Wife,

Let’s start with the simple part: wetness isn’t the gold standard for arousal. Your level of lubrication isn’t a pass/fail test for how turned on you are.

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Vaginal Dryness vs. Arousal Response: What’s Actually Happening?

There’s a term for this—arousal non-concordance—which means that physical responses (like getting wet) don’t always line up with internal feelings of arousal. It can happen to everyone for a variety of reasons, including hormones, stress, foreplay, or emotional connection. So if dryness is ever an issue, the answer is easy: lube. Always lube.

But this doesn’t sound like a lube problem.

This sounds like a communication problem.

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The Bigger Picture: Has Anything Shifted in Your Relationship?

When your partner makes a blunt statement about your body—especially one that makes you feel self-conscious—and then refuses to engage in conversation about it, that’s a sign of something deeper going on.

Sex is about connection, not a mechanical function where your body has to perform on cue.

So when your husband makes this comment and then shrugs you off, what he’s really communicating is frustration, detachment, or even resentment. And that’s the real issue.

I don’t know the full context of your relationship—how you two normally talk, what’s been going on in your lives, whether stress, routine, or unspoken feelings have built up between you—but I do know this: sex isn’t just about what’s happening between your legs; it’s about what’s happening between you.

So the real question isn’t “Am I too dry?” It’s:

Why does he feel comfortable making this kind of statement but not talking about it?
When did his attitude change, and what really triggered it?
Is there unresolved tension or resentment?
Has he expressed any personal concerns (stress, aging, confidence, etc.)? Sometimes when people struggle with their own sexual confidence, they project it outward.

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Bridging the Connection Gap

My advice? Try a different kind of conversation—not in the bedroom, not in the heat of the moment, but somewhere neutral. Something like:

"Hey, I know you made that comment about me being dry, and I’ve been thinking about it. I’m having a hard time understanding why you shut down when I try to talk about it. I want us to be able to talk about sex openly, because I care about our intimacy. What’s really going on for you?"

Because it’s not your body that’s the problem—it’s the way he’s showing up in your relationship.

Sex in long-term relationships is an ongoing conversation, not a single act. And you deserve a partner who’s willing to have that conversation with you.

If conversations like this feel tricky to navigate, having a neutral guide in the room can make all the difference. A counselor or coach can help bring curiosity back into the conversation instead of letting it spiral into frustration or avoidance. If you’d like some guidance, you can book a 1:1 session with me here.

And if you’ve got an anonymous question of your own—whether it’s about desire, communication, or just figuring out what’s next—send it my way here. You’re never the only one wondering.

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Whenever you’re ready, here’s how I can help you:

Mindful Intimacy Card Deck: Rediscover each other through guided prompts that turn curiosity into chemistry. Perfect for deep conversations, playful foreplay, and meaningful date nights.
Sex and Relationship Coaching: High‑touch, 1:1 support to rebuild desire, improve communication, and deepen intimacy. Apply for a 3‑month coaching container and get a clear plan for your next chapter.

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Every week sexologist Natassia Miller offers tips, strategies and resources to improve your sex life and relationship.

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Every week sexologist Natassia Miller offers tips, strategies and resources to improve your sex life and relationship.