Anonymous question:
"I had my first baby six months ago, and I still have zero desire for sex. I love my husband, and I miss feeling close to him, but every time he initiates, I feel exhausted, touched out, and honestly, just not into it. I thought by now things would go back to normal, but I’m worried that I’ll never want sex again. Why do I feel this way, and how can I fix it?"
First of all, if this is you—deep breath. Nothing is wrong with you.
The way you’re feeling right now? It’s not just normal—it’s expected. And that’s because your body has been through a massive transformation. Physically, hormonally, mentally—you’ve essentially been reborn alongside your baby. And guess what? Newborn moms aren't exactly nature’s recipe for red-hot desire.
Let’s start with what’s actually happening in your body:
Now, this doesn’t mean you’re doomed to a lifetime of lackluster desire. But it does mean we need to reframe the way we think about postpartum intimacy.
A lot of people assume that one day, they’ll just “feel” desire again. That eventually, they’ll wake up and want sex the way they did pre-baby. But desire after birth—especially for new moms—rarely works that way.
Instead, we have to create the conditions for desire to return. That means:
Your partner might not fully understand what’s going on with your body, and if you don’t talk about it, that’s where misunderstandings begin. You can share this response with him, and share where you’re at:
“I want to feel close to you, and I miss that part of us. Right now, my body is recovering and I need time to learn how to navigate this new dynamic, but I want to figure this out together.”
This shifts the conversation from “I don’t want sex” to “I want to reconnect with you, but let’s find a way that works for both of us.”
If penetration is uncomfortable, painful, or just unappealing, there are solutions:
Instead of trying to “force” old desires, explore what feels good in this new phase of life:
It’s easy to feel like your entire identity has shifted to mom mode—like sex belongs to the before times. But intimacy can be reimagined. It doesn’t have to look like it did pre-baby, and that’s okay.
Sex isn’t just about penetration—it’s about connection, pleasure, and feeling desired. And that can start with small moments of closeness that make you feel supported. Like my friend just told me, The hottest thing my husband did this week was offer a foot massage while I breastfed. Talk about a turn on!
If you take nothing else from this, remember:
And when you’re ready, sex can be something you enjoy—not just something to check off a list.
Every week sexologist Natassia Miller offers tips, strategies and resources to improve your sex life and relationship.
Every week sexologist Natassia Miller answers anonymous questions and offers advice to improve your sex life and relationship.
