“Sex hasn’t been the same since our son was born. Positions I used to enjoy now hurt, and I feel so tired and unsexy that it completely kills my desire to have sex at all.”
My friend’s son had just turned one, and she hoped her sex life would have normalized by then.
I reminded her: what she was going through was entirely normal.
During breastfeeding, the hormone prolactin increases to stimulate milk production—but it also suppresses ovulation and sexual desire. From a biological perspective, her body is doing exactly what it’s meant to do: prioritizing care and recovery over reproduction.
But biology is only part of the story. For many women, motherhood shifts their entire sense of self. The sensual, spontaneous version of them feels replaced by the caregiver.
Renowned psychotherapist Esther Perel calls this phenomenon eros redirected —when a mother’s emotional and physical fulfillment is focused on her child, leaving little energy for erotic connection with her partner.
It’s a change that affects both people in the relationship. And while completely normal, it’s also possible to find your way back to each other.
Below are six research-backed ways to rebuild intimacy and desire after having a baby.
1. Accept That This Is a Phase The couples who maintain long-term sexual connection know one simple truth: sex matters, but it can’t always be the priority.
Some seasons of life—like postpartum—require a temporary shift. Naming this out loud to each other helps reduce tension and anxiety. It’s not about losing passion forever; it’s about recognizing where you are and committing to return to each other when you can.
2. Share the Load A 2016 Cornell University study found that heterosexual couples who share household chores report more frequent sex. The reason? Fairness breeds connection. When labor at home feels balanced, resentment drops—and so does the invisible mental load that kills desire.
Ask yourself: What tasks could I take off my partner’s plate this week? A lighter load outside the bedroom often leads to a warmer connection inside it.
3. Talk About Sex (Even When It’s Hard) It’s clinically proven that couples who talk about sex have higher desire, better orgasms, improved erectile function, and less pain.
Postpartum bodies are tender, and so are the emotions that come with them. Talk about what feels different—physically and emotionally. Discuss what feels painful, what’s comfortable, and what helps her feel more confident.
You can make this easier by using tools like the Mindful Intimacy Card Deck
4. Build Connection Outside the Bedroom Intimacy starts long before sex. It’s built in the quiet moments—eye contact, gratitude, laughter.
Try a simple daily or weekly check-in. One of my favorite frameworks is the TEAM method :
T — Touch: Begin with physical connection, like holding hands or hugging.E — Education: Share one new thing you learned today to spark novelty.A — Appreciation: Tell your partner something you’re grateful for.M — Metrics: End with one constructive reflection on how you’re both doing.When you tend to the emotional bond, the physical one follows.
5. Schedule Intimacy (Yes, Really) When you have kids, spontaneity isn’t realistic—but intention is. Scheduling intimacy doesn’t make it mechanical; it makes it possible.
Set aside 30 minutes to two hours of uninterrupted time together. You don’t even have to have sex—just choose one physical activity you both enjoy: massages, cuddling, a bath together, oral exploration, or playing a round of the Mindful Intimacy Card Deck
Scheduling builds anticipation, which is one of the most powerful ingredients of desire.
6. Redefine Pleasure and Desire Your erotic needs change over time—and that’s okay.
Start by asking:
What kind of touch feels nourishing right now? What kind of connection helps me feel open, relaxed, and desired? Learning how your body and mind respond post-birth is key to building a sex life that feels like yours again.
Reclaiming Connection After Baby Reconnecting with your sexual self after having a baby is a gradual process of patience and rediscovery. It’s normal to feel like a different version of yourself—and that doesn’t have to mean the end of pleasure or connection.
If you’re struggling to rebuild intimacy or navigate mismatched desire, I help couples through this exact stage—whether that means healing physical pain, rebuilding confidence, or learning new ways to connect when you’re exhausted and touched out.
You can book a free strategy session here
Because the best gift you can give your child is parents who still make space for love—and each other.
