My whole sexual life has been a means to an end on pleasing a man… until now. Now I have a partner who is everything I have ever wanted, even more than I thought I wanted. I have experienced more orgasms in our short three years together than I have in the 43 years prior.
HOWEVER, I struggle to move into intimacy. Even if nothing is wrong I seem to resist the urge (if it comes to me first or not) to just jump in and enjoy myself. Of course he can massage me into submission but what partner wants to do that all the time?
I'm a cannabis user and it helps – not much of a drinker but do enjoy a glass of wine – I am very active in mindfulness habits, including meditating and exercise. Even with all of this, I seem to take a front row seat on the struggle bus…waiting patiently and mindfully for your insights.
Sexual initiation, much like any other aspect of sex, can be deeply rooted in gender roles and conditioning that hold us back from doing the things we want to do.
Resisting the urge, even when it comes to you first, is a common experience for women.
Understanding Resistance to Intimacy For many of us, especially women, desire doesn’t always precede intimacy; it often emerges during. So you’re not alone if the idea of "jumping in" feels like a struggle.
It’s not about wanting your partner less; it’s about how your body and mind respond to the context of intimacy.
For a client of mine, pursuing her husband felt unnatural because she’d been taught that women should be pursued. Worse, she associated initiating with being "slutty," which logically she knew wasn’t true, but it was a belief she grew up with.
In your case, because you’ve spent most of your life framing sex as something you did for someone else rather than something you experienced for yourself, it's understandable that you might instinctively take on a more passive role.
The Role of the Nervous System When you feel resistance, it’s often your nervous system subtly (or not so subtly) holding onto a sense of discomfort or "guardedness." Even if nothing is objectively wrong, your body may carry old patterns of stress or protection, manifesting as hesitation. That’s why practices like mindfulness, cannabis, and exercise help—they soothe your nervous system, creating a sense of safety.
However, sometimes these tools aren’t enough. Even though you’ve undergone a sexual awakening with a partner who is attentive and loving, it sounds like your brain still needs time to adjust to this new dynamic.
So, it’s helpful to ask yourself if you have any beliefs about initiation that may be holding you back. Are they rooted in your upbringing, your sexual past, or sexual trauma?
Depending on the answer, unpacking and rewiring your approach may require deeper work with a therapist or coach.
But before jumping into that, ask yourself if this is something you genuinely want to work on, or if you’re anxious about something that isn't actually a problem.
Unless initiation is a source of frustration in your relationship, there’s no need to pressure yourself. After all, pressure often suppresses desire and inhibits authentic connection.
Reframing Your Approach to Initiation Pleasure isn’t just about giving to your partner—it’s also about what it offers you.
What sensations, movements, or environments during the initiation phase help you feel most at ease? The more you create a sense of self-directed pleasure, the less resistance you may feel.
Lastly, here are three more tips that can help:
Tell your partner how you feel : Sometimes partners don’t understand why they’re the only ones initiating. If you haven’t yet, this is a good opportunity to share your resistance to your urges and why you think that’s so. This kind of vulnerability brings you closer and helps you both navigate change more easily.Create a non-verbal signal : Letting your partner verbally know that you’re in the mood can feel like a big step, so you can both agree on a subtler non-verbal signal, like lighting a candle. Keep doing this until you feel more comfortable initiating directly.Explore other layers of arousal : Physical arousal often follows emotional and mental engagement. You might experiment with non-traditional forms of foreplay that don’t focus solely on the body—reading sensual stories together, sharing fantasies, or even watching something erotic. These activities can engage your mind and create a bridge to physical connection.Shifting patterns of resistance takes time and patience. Remember that intimacy is a journey, not a destination.
In the words of sex researcher Dr. Emily Nagoski, “It’s not about what you do in bed or how many orgasms you have, how long it lasts, or who you do it with, or how frequently you do it. What matters is that you like the sex you are having.”
If you’re seeking personalized 1:1 guidance, you can book a discovery call with me to learn more about how we can work together. My intimacy coaching sessions are designed to accelerate your progress within a specific timeframe, tailored to your needs.
