Anonymous Question:
"My wife and I have had an active, faithful sex life for 35 years. Over time, we’ve experimented with larger dildos, and recently, I introduced a Hismith machine to help her reach satisfaction when I can’t keep going. She’s warmed up to it, and her latest purchase—a massive 12-inch toy—has me wondering: should I be concerned, or just happy she’s getting what she needs?"
Let’s take a moment to celebrate what’s really happening here: a couple in their 60s that has cultivated lasting sexual connection through adventure and exploration. In a world where Hollywood would have us believe that the mojo fizzles out after 50 (unless you’re George Clooney), you’re proving that’s a total myth. Bravo.
But let’s get to the heart of your question—does your wife’s love of bigger mean there’s something missing with you?
It’s a common fear that a partner’s interest in sex toys, especially larger ones, means they’re unsatisfied. But research tells a different story.
A 2016 study in The Journal of Sex Research found that women’s preferences for toy size often vary based on context—what feels good in solo play isn’t necessarily what they want in partnered sex. In other words, your wife might enjoy the stretch and sensation of a larger toy, but that doesn’t mean she’s wishing you were built like a Marvel superhero.
This reminds me of the Sex and the City episode where Samantha dates a man with what she calls "the biggest I’ve ever seen." At first, she’s intrigued. Then she realizes… it's too much for her.
Even celebrities joke about this—remember when Chrissy Teigen tweeted about how women are more interested in the right fit than size? Many women value sensation, rhythm, foreplay, and variety over sheer dimensions.
Research indicates that those who incorporate intimate devices in bed experience higher sexual and life satisfaction.
So it’s about enhancing pleasure, rather than compensating for dissatisfaction with a partner.
Your concern isn’t really about the toy—it’s about what it represents to you.
This is when communication and trust steps in. If she reassures you that it’s her means to explore her desires within your monogamous relationship, then that’s what it is. It’s beautiful that she feels safe to ask for what she wants and own it.
Anecdotally, I have met many women whose sexual desires and orgasms grow stronger postmenopause, and it sounds like she is enjoying this phase of her life.
The fact that you and your wife are still growing and exploring together after 35 years? That’s the biggest win.
So no, you don’t need to be worried. Your wife’s toy isn’t a threat—it’s just one more way you’re keeping pleasure alive. And that’s a huge (pun intended) reason to celebrate.
