My wife and I are in our late 40s, and she has hit menopause. I have always had more desire than her, but now with menopause, the frequency of our intimate life is slowing down, although we use toys, lubes and we are able to talk and discuss it.
She is taking hormone therapy, and it helps us a lot, but not so much with the intimacy. My wife says I should go elsewhere to have my needs fulfilled, but I am not sure I can differ between sex with another partner and my love for my wife. What would you recommend?
Menopause is a time of self-rediscovery for women. The life changes that come with it impact how we feel about ourselves, our bodies, our relationships and our sexuality.
“A revolution happens in the minds of many women at this stage. They recognize that all the rules they’ve been following about who they’re “supposed” to be as a sexual person, how their sexual relationship is “supposed” to work, those rules just don’t apply to them.
And they begin exploring their authentic sexual selves and getting to know their partners’ authentic sexual selves, and collaborating to create contexts that make it easy for their brains to experience pleasure,” writes sex researcher Dr. Emily Nagoski.
Of course, there is an adjustment period where women experience higher levels of discomfort, making it naturally harder for them to connect with their erotic selves.
If hormonal treatment is an option, it can be transformative in helping women feel like themselves again.
Studies actually show that sexual satisfaction increases with age.
In a 2012 study with sexually active women over the age of 80 published in The American Journal of Medicine, more than 50% report being sexually satisfied always or almost always.
What’s striking is that only 3% of those women said they experience desire always or almost always. Meaning that most of those sexually satisfied women have adopted a willingness to engage approach.
“Not everybody starts sex after 18 years together just from being desirous and aroused and turned on. Sometimes you start from being willing and just open and we’ll see what happens,” says psychotherapist Esther Perel in her latest podcast episode with Rich Roll.
Willingness to engage is an important exercise when sexual desire may be harder to come by and you want to sexually reconnect with yourself and your partner.
It’s when you engage in a sensual activity (that doesn’t have to include the genitals) and follow what feels good, what feels pleasurable. It may lead to arousal, and then to sex, or it may not, but you’re “exercising” your mind and body to get back into an erotic mindset.
Another thing to consider is that as life circumstances change, so does what works for you in bed. This ranges from what kind of seduction either of you enjoy, to how sex is initiated and what you do during sex.
As for your wife’s permission to get your needs met outside of the house – was it genuine? Did it come from a place of confidence and trust, or guilt and shame? This needs to be very clear before you discuss any next steps.
Let’s assume for a moment that your wife meant what she said and non-monogamy is on the table.
Strong communication and agreements are imperative if you want to navigate this successfully.
And a lot of it you will learn by doing, including if you can differentiate between sex with another partner and the love you have for your wife.
That’s why I highly recommend working with a therapist or coach who specializes in non-monogamy.
In one of my classes with psychotherapist Rachel Wright (a specialist in this subject), she shared that people who are stepping into this realm should contemplate on their relationship vision:
If you were to close your eyes and wave a magic wand, what would your nonmonogamous romantic/sex life look like? What would your perfect relationships look like? Your ideal scenario?
How does your vision overlap and differ from your wife’s?
Here are a few additional questions you should consider as you shape your agreements:
Remember that as much as you try to control things, opening up a relationship will always come with its challenges — just as keeping it closed does too. What matters most is that you keep communication open, revisit your agreements when needed, and continue to nurture trust, respect, and emotional safety.
