“My wife is the opposite of the norm, she is not into foreplay, she does not like being caressed, she does not take initiative and after 20 years of marriage I am still not allowed to go places (i.e. down on her). I do not want to be rejected every time. What shall I do?”
The tough part about answering anonymous questions is the lack of context. Unlike a business or productivity newsletter where advice is pretty straightforward, when it comes to sex and relationships, it’s all very nuanced.
That’s why I often leave you with questions for you to ask yourselves. Questions that help you gain some more clarity before you decide which next steps to take.
In this case, the initial questions that come to mind are:
Beyond these, here are some additional steps to help navigate the situation.
Talking about sex and intimacy is vulnerable, but it’s essential. Here are a few tips:
As I mentioned earlier, your wife’s aversion to certain types of intimacy may stem from deeper issues. These could include:
Consider gently exploring whether any of these might apply. It may also be a combination of them. If so, therapy or coaching can be a helpful next step.
Sexual intimacy is deeply connected to emotional closeness. Strengthening your emotional bond outside the bedroom will enhance connection within it. Here are some ideas:
If conversations don’t lead to progress, involving a neutral third party can help. Many people find that professional guidance helps normalize their challenges and uncover new ways to connect.
If you’re interested, book a discovery call with me to learn more about working together and understand if it’s a fit.
It took years for you to get here, so please recognize that change takes time. Celebrate small wins, like moments of openness or willingness to try new things, rather than focusing solely on the end goal.
Remember, this isn’t about "fixing" anyone; it’s about understanding and evolving together as a couple.
Every week sexologist Natassia Miller offers tips, strategies and resources to improve your sex life and relationship.
Every week sexologist Natassia Miller answers anonymous questions and offers advice to improve your sex life and relationship.