“My wife is the opposite of the norm, she is not into foreplay, she does not like being caressed, she does not take initiative and after 20 years of marriage I am still not allowed to go places (i.e. down on her). I do not want to be rejected every time. What shall I do?”
The tough part about answering anonymous questions is the lack of context. Unlike a business or productivity newsletter where advice is pretty straightforward, when it comes to sex and relationships, it’s all very nuanced.
That’s why I often leave you with questions for you to ask yourselves. Questions that help you gain some more clarity before you decide which next steps to take.
In this case, the initial questions that come to mind are:
Do either of you enjoy the sex you’re having? Or is it the tolerable, check the box kind of sex you’ve learned to accept over 20 years of marriage? When you caress her, do you tend to initiate sex as well, and maybe that’s why she avoids it? There is always the possibility that she is asexual. Yet from your description, I wonder if she carries any past trauma or deeply rooted shame that prevents her from enjoying touch or allowing you to give her oral sex? Are there other parts of the relationship she may be unhappy with that naturally blocks her desire to be intimate? Beyond these, here are some additional steps to help navigate the situation.
1. Start with open, non-judgmental communication Talking about sex and intimacy is vulnerable, but it’s essential. Here are a few tips:
Choose a good time: Find a relaxed, private moment to bring this up. Avoid discussing it out of nowhere or during a conflict. Have a conversation about the conversation to find a time that works and won’t catch her off guard.Use "I" statements: Express your feelings without placing blame. For example: "I feel rejected when my advances are turned down, and I’d love to understand how we can connect better." Ask open-ended questions: Invite her to share her feelings. Questions like, "What makes you feel most comfortable during intimacy?" or "Are there things you’d like to explore together?" can open the door for discussion. Our Mindful Intimacy Card Deck can be a great tool here.
2. Explore the root cause of her preferences As I mentioned earlier, your wife’s aversion to certain types of intimacy may stem from deeper issues. These could include:
Past experiences: Negative or traumatic experiences can lead to discomfort with certain acts.Cultural or religious beliefs: Early conditioning can shape preferences and comfort levels around sex.Body image or confidence issues: Feeling self-conscious can make someone hesitant to explore physically.Unaddressed emotional barriers: Emotional disconnection or unresolved marital tensions can impact sexual openness.Consider gently exploring whether any of these might apply. It may also be a combination of them. If so, therapy or coaching can be a helpful next step.
3. Shift the focus to emotional intimacy Sexual intimacy is deeply connected to emotional closeness. Strengthening your emotional bond outside the bedroom will enhance connection within it. Here are some ideas:
Spend quality time trying new things together: A new activity does wonders to our connection, and yet we often default to dinner and a movie. Find a new sport, dance or art class, or museum exhibit to experience together. It does wonders to rekindling your bond!Show her appreciation: Many couples take this for granted in the long run, and I can’t begin to tell you how meaningful it is when you express gratitude for her qualities and contributions.Foster non-sexual touch: As I previously mentioned with caressing, doing so (along with hugging, holding hands, or cuddling) without the expectation of sex builds trust and closeness.Set shared goals: Frame intimacy as something you’re building together, rather than an area of conflict. This is at the core of our 30-Day Couples Intimacy Challenge .
4. Consider professional support If conversations don’t lead to progress, involving a neutral third party can help. Many people find that professional guidance helps normalize their challenges and uncover new ways to connect.
If you’re interested, book a free 20-minute discovery call with me to learn more about working together and understand if it’s a fit.
5. Focus on patience and progress, not perfection It took years for you to get here, so please recognize that change takes time. Celebrate small wins, like moments of openness or willingness to try new things, rather than focusing solely on the end goal.
Remember, this isn’t about "fixing" anyone; it’s about understanding and evolving together as a couple.
